


Jesus F*ck

by E_Violet



Series: Epilogue AU [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Family Fluff, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Harry Potter Next Generation, Remus Lupin Lives, Sirius Black Lives, basically crack I think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:14:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26549563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/E_Violet/pseuds/E_Violet
Summary: Having dinner during Christmas break with some of his family, Harry makes a shocking discovery.
Relationships: backgroud Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, background Cho Chang/Dudley Dursley, background Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Epilogue AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1907842
Comments: 1
Kudos: 33





	Jesus F*ck

**Author's Note:**

> Rated Teen for the language.
> 
> I saw a tumblr post about the fact that Cho Chang married a Muggle, so she could have potentially married Dudley, and I thought it would be hilarious if Harry discovered this. I do not own any of these characters or any part of this fandom, except Nevi, Sapphire and Opal, which I don't care if anyone uses. I also do not support She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's views.

December 2013

Sapphire and Opal were their typical selves during Christmas holiday dinner with the Potters. Meaning, Opal was fairly quiet and Saph talked more than anyone at the table.

It had started when Ginny asked the two how their first year of Hogwarts was going, specifically, their classes. Opal had quickly responded that they were good, saying nothing else and prompting Sirius to tell her to elaborate.

“I like Care of Magical Creatures,” she said. “That’s my favorite class.” She returned to her food, while her sister took over.

“We saw a dragon!” Saph exclaimed. “Charlie Weasley came by in October and talked about them. It was great! It was a little scary at first, but Dominique said that Charlie brings dragons around all the time and that he wouldn’t bring anything that was particularly dangerous so after that it was really cool.” Opal cut in before anyone could say anything else.

“I was also going to say that both the Defense teacher and the substitute _suck_ ,” she deadpanned. Remus cracked up, having been the one Opal inherited her sense of humor from, but Harry, who was never the first to pick things up, looked around, confused.

“Do I need to work on my teaching?” he asked the twins. Opal rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“You just need to work on understanding sarcasm, Dad,” Lily said. Nevi nodded.

“Daddy’s bad at it,” she agreed. Harry nodded, resigned.

“Yep,” he said, “I suck with sarcasm.” Everyone laughed.

“At least you’re good at raising kids,” Sirius remarked. “Lily and Nevi a incredibly articulate for their age.”

“Though not like Lyra Malfoy,” Remus said. Harry nodded.

“She was _freakishly_ articulate at the age of three,” he agreed.

“Lyra doesn’t like me,” Saph said. “She said I talked too much and that I didn’t know how to respect people’s boundaries. At first I thought that was some sort of fancy way of saying she hated me because I’m not super pureblood but my friend Daisy Dursley - she’s a half-blood who’s also in Ravenclaw - said that Lyra doesn’t really talk to anyone at all because she doesn’t like talking to people. Apparently she’s not as close-minded as her parents used to be or something.”

Ginny and Harry, the two adults at the table who had not heard about this whole encounter, responded very differently. Ginny nodded, knowing Saph went off on tangents all the time. Harry choked on his drink.

“What did you say your friend’s name was?” he asked.

“Oh. Daisy Dursley.” Saph smiled, and Harry stared at her blankly.

“Jesus fuck,” he said. He stood up. “I need to make a phone call.”

-

Three days later, Harry found himself at the house of Dudley Dursley. He rang the doorbell, and a round girl with dark hair opened the door.

“Yes?” she said.

“I’m here to see Dudley?” Harry responded. The girl, presumably Daisy, nodded and turned around.

“Dad!” she shouted. A few seconds later, Dudley came to the door.

“Oh, Harry,” he said. “It’s good to see you. Come in.” They went to the kitchen, where Dudley fixed them both tea.

“I see you’ve met my daughter Daisy,” he said. Harry nodded.

“My godfather’s daughter said she was friends with her. Sapphire Lupin-Black?”

“I do believe they’re close,” a woman said from the door. Dudley nodded.

“I forgot to introduce you to my wife, Cho,” he said. Harry turned around and stared at the face of his old school crush.

“Jesus _fuck!”_ he said.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr @evitoxytrash.


End file.
